I refuse to die with even one dream inside me. I fumble at the keyboard at times it feels like playing jinga or making a house of cards. We all build our own tower of babbel (sp /pleeze) My words cab't be contained like paint. Let it flow. Trying to allign word with things, A worry I would not be able to remember my lines to tell this story. name them remember tRemember no matter what happens you are made as God intended
And all I intended to say is thank you Nelda Nance for being nice to me. Thank you for being my unofficial mentor as to how people should be treated. To this day I wonder did Eva Poole get those Nancy Drew books for herself. In your youth persistance paid off and you are worthy of whst could be waiting who knows strong oak bookshelf and onyx
First of all that is a beautiful picture of you. I keep pictures near me everywhere I go of strong women when they were around the age I feel now.
When I interned at Emily Fowler (and please do not tell her) I worked with Martha, Martha put up with me but learned from you. I once complained about my feelings being so easily hurt and how I wish I knew what was wrong with me. You said people had told you to grow a thick skin for years, but that it was not happening. You did not know how that stayed with me as just a part of me to tend with care and accept.
Someone else wanted to do lunch before I got my MLS to groom me to be professional. I thank God You, Micky the artist who could have a masterpiece painted on display at the Kimball,
Amy, Marie, your Laura,Steve, Eva and Wally were there for me. It was not lost on me that I did not live up to someone's standards. Because I was not employed there I took refuge in you and your husband, Laura who kids kept asking me why I was in the Children's department and not with her big sister and I just said I am that other Laura. There are two of us here. Sister friend wasn't I Laura? Oh... Well I be. As I did that practicum you do not know how much I loved you all. I tell you so you know I am grateful. I don't relive the past but I just want you to know what you helped me get through just by being you, Nelda. Kind. one among some who are Just this past year Jeff Holt who is on my friend's list made peace with me. We married too young trying to get post graduate degrees at the same time. Blake is right when he says "Distinguish therefore Individuals from the states through which they are passing. States change, individual idenitities neither change nor cease". The state I would pass through would be (and I throw caution to the wind because I sense I can trust you).
Jeff was my best friend in highschool. I had quite a crush on that long haired rail thin beatific looking poet. We bonded in highschool creative writing with some nudging from ironically the woman you said "Evelyn I do not know you, but". Yes. Mrs Wilson I get to call Evelyn now. She is now a college professor and wants me to put something together for publication. I had put writing on the back burner for 20 years. Sure I wrote nice poems for a birthday and showed love but writer me no...Evelyn reminded me of a Dream Deferred and brought tears to my eyes it is time. Truth be told as I clease my past I wanted to see you, but was afraid I had failed. Jeff and I were accepted into the same graduate school program in Denton. The English department put into place something designed to fail. 5 year PhD plan publish at least 5 articles on what had not been written, Publish or perish. When Jeff was 12 his older brother had just been given the keys to the family car as parents do,,, Rite of passage. The last words little jeff spoke were I HATE YOU as kids do they don't mean it they are too young. I read one poem he put in our high school magazine I will never forget reading the words wondering who it was and my God if it was not that beatific kid down the street from me 2 blocks away. The T family points out any opportunity I can getWe were fast friends he eventually shared with me he had a brother who died in a car wreck. Out of 6, Jim did not get to be alive. Jeff's family embraced me as a daughter and gave me courage to dream big I can get a masters degree be a librarian wear nice clothes and be strong. But we were so young...
While completing my internship at Emily Fowler you Nelda, Micky Laura Cowan, your Laura gave me love I needed so much. Two years almost completing my MLS and Jeff began to remember everything he used every fiber of his being to forget as the German poet Rilke says put me among remote and lost objects. do not let your soul touch mine. But no it's visceral messy. I would reach my breaking point when I made other plans. Who sent these uninvited guests to entertain. I feared hated and was ashamed of them. My educated guess is that the trigger of that 5 year Phd plan publish or perish he had to let his brother die... And act like he grown or something. I don'tWe divorced and I would need to forgive the rapist and myself because I knew him. How could I do such a horrible thing at such a time.How would I let that happen. So I chose stealth mode silence like that Catwoman best played by Eartha Kitt herself I miss her and am jealous of that Tim Robbins putting on a show like thathad that happen Hospital to hospital we took Jeff. Everyone of us being strong and as jeff said quoting Joyce Carol Oates I think it was "We are very fragile and carried ourselves like glass". Remember remember remember he is more than friend he is family. As weird and spooky and wrong may it be we are brother and sister in God's love just as everyone else is. That is your birthright I bless Sarina and their twin daughters. amazingly intense as red sauce. was not part of my plan to raise children. I needed rto raise myself. Eventuallly that word woman or lady won't freak me out so much. Whatever I am I'ma real girl feminine likes pink chocolate is as amazingly in After 13 years I can write you to thank you for being kind to me. I told someone once that everyone deserves the dignity to cry one single tear. When the aquaintence whatever you call it I am not a victim there is no survivor (sorry kids that contract ended cuz i said so. So go love the hell out of life.
That video I sent you I wake up to now every day. "In the Enlightened Time" We are strong together. We are all one tribe In the enlightened time. We are warrior princesses are we not. Give in to something sparkly today whatever it is a crystal a cathedral, since we are dreaming big Merlin's crystal cave of ametheysts or purple crystal as in a wand.Make a wish. It can be a sticker a child craves or those fluorescent crayons. Me? When I self checked my groceries I caved in to the impulse buy ploy yellow and orange mums and a soft black kittten stuffed animal I can cuddle with
Laura Cowan, and Eva helped me accept that I was laid back and just me. Perfect for my first job in Stop Six East Berry Branch in the FWPL system. I just came across pictures of me a student took who needed to write a paper about an example of a children's librarian. At 26 I was just a baby. First day of work Black history month, any history I was taught was "white washed"... no more like sandblasted.
So is it wrong to reclaim a friendship letting go of a contractual agreement that I signed off officially 13 years ago. Can we redeem a friend from the ruins? YES!